Respect is reciprocal...

unless you’re a woman.

There’s this thing people like to say when they think you don’t deserve their respect after not according them that same honor.

“Respect is reciprocal.”

Meaning, if you give respect, you receive it back. Nice theory. 😅

But I think as women, you grow up realizing very quickly that the world does not always work like that for us. In a patriarchy society, we are the exception.

Growing up, respect was never really presented to us as something neutral. There was already a hierarchy before we even entered the room.

First, there were older people.
Then among the older people, men ranked higher.
Then among the men, older men ranked even higher.

The father of the house. The Baálẹ̀. The “head” of the house.

Even in corporate spaces, most leadership structures still lean male. Most authority still looks masculine. Most people in power are still men.

And whether we admit it or not, society still naturally accords men more respect. Sometimes automatically. Sometimes even before they’ve done anything to earn it.

You even see it in small things. Little boys are given room to speak loudly. To interrupt. To take space. People laugh and say, “he’s a boy.”

Meanwhile, girls are taught softness very early. Be polite. Don’t talk too much. Don’t disrespect people. Smile.

Respect becomes something women are trained to perform long before we are taught to expect it in return.

That’s why you can simply be walking on the road and a random man will pass you and demand that you smile. And when they want to package that subtle demand for compliance, they use femininity to cajole you.

“Smile na, you’ll look more beautiful.” If I woze you! 🙄

As if you care about looking more beautiful to a random man you didn’t even know existed five seconds ago. Just existing without performing desirability is seen as disrespectful. To who, exactly?

And that’s why I’ve always found the statement “respect is reciprocal” a bit incomplete. Because as a woman, you can be minding your business completely and still be disrespected for simply existing.

A man can see you walking on the road and speak to you anyhow because he doesn’t like what you’re wearing. People catcall women openly, which, if you think about it deeply, is rooted in disrespect. Someone deciding they are entitled to your attention, your body, your reaction.

Even the way women are interrupted constantly. Spoken over. Dismissed. This is something I’ve seen happened in multiple scenarios; respect being withheld not because you did something wrong. But because you are a woman.

And the older I get, the more I realize something uncomfortable: As a woman, nobody is standing somewhere waiting to hand you dignity on a platter of gold.

You have to build parts of it yourself. Not because you are less deserving. But because this world does not naturally center women’s humanity the way it should.

Now, I’m not talking about becoming rude or defensive or trying to “prove” yourself every second. I’m talking about the small, quiet things women do that slowly shape how they are treated.

The things that tell people:
“I see value in myself.”
“The way you speak to me matters.”
“I am not disposable.”

And no, these things won’t magically fix patriarchy overnight. But I do think they change something internally.

And sometimes, that internal shift changes everything else after it.

There’s this analogy I keep thinking about.

You know how people handle fragile things more carefully once they realize they are expensive?

A glass cup from a restaurant can break and people move on quickly. But let someone bring out a crystal wine glass they deeply value, suddenly everybody becomes more careful holding it.

Not because glass stopped being glass.

But because value changed the handling.

So sometimes, as women, part of our work is teaching people, quietly and consistently, that we are not things to handle carelessly.

So I sat down and wrote a list.

Little things. Small things. But significant things that I think help women gather respect for themselves, even in a world that doesn’t always offer it naturally.

1. Don’t let people mispronounce your name: Your name is not too long, too ethnic, or too difficult. If the world can learn to say Schwarzenegger without flinching, people can learn to say your name correctly - and it is your job to make sure they do. The next time someone butchers it and keeps moving, stop them gently and say it properly. And if you don’t like a nickname or short form, say it politely and clearly. You teach people how to address you by what you allow repeatedly.

2. Stop laughing at disrespect to make things less awkward: If something genuinely makes you uncomfortable, speak out or let your face reflect it. Don’t laugh because the room expects you to. Don’t smile to keep things comfortable. If your gut is telling you that what just happened was not okay, let your face be still - don’t let other people feel comfortable disrespecting you. A lot of women were raised to soften themselves in moments where they should have stayed firm.

3. Practice delayed gratification for things you know you’re still going to get anyway: The latest iPhone is out. The bag exists. The thing you want is right there. But you don’t have the money for it right now - not without doing something that compromises you, without having a conversation you’d rather not have, without accepting help from someone whose help comes with conditions. Here’s the thing: it’s not leaving the earth. So wait. Save. Get it on your own terms. That level of patience gives you respect than more women realize.

4. Do what you say you’re going to do - especially for yourself: Respect from other people is built on a foundation of how much you respect your own word. When you commit to something privately and then follow through, you are training yourself to be someone you can trust. And that matters because once you become a person who keeps her own promises, you will immediately notice when someone else isn’t keeping theirs - and you’ll have the self-respect to say something about it.

5. Don’t be rage-baited easily: Some things are genuinely worth addressing. And some things are just people testing how easily you move. Learn to tell the difference. Because if you react to everything, you train people to pull your strings whenever they feel like it - and suddenly your mood is in someone else’s hands. Choose your battles not because you’re weak but because you are intentional.

6. Don’t point out your insecurities before anyone else can: A lot of women do this to “beat people to it.” “Don’t mind my stomach.”“My face looks rough.” “My hair is bad.” Meanwhile, some people didn’t even notice until you announced it. Stop volunteering your insecurities to save yourself from imagined judgment. Do like this, 🤫.

7. Say no directly. Stop being politically nice about things you already know the answer to: “Let me check and get back to you” when you already know the answer is no. “I’ll try my best” when you know you’re not going to. “Maybe” when you mean absolutely not. Every time you do this, you train people to keep pushing because they’ve learned that your no has a backdoor. Just say it. “No, I can’t.” “That doesn’t work for me.” No softening it until it stops meaning anything.

8. Kill the desperate need to be liked by everybody: There is a difference between people naturally gravitating towards you and you quietly shaping everything you do around whether people approve. The second one will slowly hollow you out. This one changes your life quietly. The moment you stop needing approval from every room, every man, every friend group, you become calmer. More grounded. More yourself. Admiration is nice, but it should never become your compass.

9. Always be working towards wanting more for yourself: Not in an anxious, never-enough kind of way. In a this-is-not-my-final-destination kind of way. You don’t have a car yet - okay, but is it on the list? You’re still at your parents’ house - fine, but are you building towards your own? The women who command the most respect are almost always the ones who are visibly in motion, who have somewhere they’re heading, who are not waiting to be chosen or handed something but are actively building. Want more. Work towards it. Let it drive you.

10. Choose self-rebranding over self-pity every single time: If there’s something about yourself you genuinely do not like and it is within your power to improve, work on it. Self-pity keeps you emotionally attached to the version of yourself you claim not to like. Self-rebranding asks, “Okay, what can I do about this?” Your body, your confidence, your communication skills, your lifestyle, your habits, even the way you carry yourself. Everything can be refined with time, intention, and consistency.

11. Take care of your appearance: This is not about being beautiful by anyone else’s standards but showing up in a way that says you take yourself seriously. When you are put together, not for other people but for yourself, something shifts in how you move through spaces and how spaces receive you. People who look like they respect themselves tend to be treated accordingly. Dress like your time is valuable. Show up like you matter. Because you do—and sometimes the world needs a visual reminder.

12. Stop shrinking your standards to accommodate people who aren’t meeting them: You know what you want. You know how you want to be treated. And somewhere along the line you started quietly adjusting those things downward to make space for people who were never going to rise up to meet you anyway. That adjustment costs you, not just in how others treat you, but in how you start to see yourself. Hold the standard. The right people will meet it. The wrong ones will self-select out, and that is not a loss.

13. Read the room before you decide to be warm in it: Smiling is beautiful. Warmth is a gift. But not every room deserves your full sunshine immediately - and learning to gauge where you are before you open yourself up is not coldness but discernment. Some spaces will use your warmth against you. Some people will read your friendliness as an invitation for things you didn’t offer. Be neutral first, and observe before you engage. To give your smile to rooms and people who have shown they deserve to receive it.

14. Don’t let people constantly interrupt or talk over you: Finish your sentence. Return to your point. Speak clearly. A lot of women get conditioned into shrinking mid-conversation just to avoid seeming “too much.” And sometimes it’s subtle. Someone interrupts you once, twice, repeatedly, and instead of calmly bringing the attention back to yourself, you disappear from the conversation completely. Sometimes all it takes is, “Let me finish what I was saying,” or calmly returning to your point after they’re done speaking. Your thoughts deserve room too.

15. Stop making yourself overly available: You do not need to answer immediately all the time, show up instantly, or constantly overextend yourself to prove you care. Don’t force yourself into spaces that do not naturally make room for you. Don’t invite yourself everywhere. And even when you are invited, pause and ask yourself if that environment is worthy of your presence, your energy, and your peace.

To Conclude:

I don’t think respect should be something women have to fight this hard for. I don’t think basic dignity should feel earned only after performance, politeness, softness, or suffering.

But this is the world we currently live in.

And until that changes, I think there is power in women learning how to stand firmly inside themselves. In how we speak. In what we tolerate. In what we walk away from. In the standards we quietly uphold for ourselves.

Because sometimes, the first person that has to take you seriously… is you.

If you’ve been reading me for a while, you already know the kind of things I sit with.

The quiet weight. The patterns we don’t name. The versions of ourselves we outgrow and the ones we’re still trying to understand.

I wrote more of this in my book, No One Warned You About This Part.

It holds the conversations around firstborn daughters, choosing yourself, emotional patterns, and the parts of you that are still learning how to soften.

If you’ve ever read something here and felt like it stayed with you longer than you expected, the book might meet you in that same place.

You can find it using the link below.

Get No One Warned You About This Part.