Take It Back

on withdrawal, boundaries, and remembering that access to you is not permanent.

One thing that genuinely fascinates me is when I hear of women asking for permission to leave. And I don’t mean physically leave a room; I mean leave situations. Leave relationships. Leave obligations. Leave versions of themselves that no longer fit.

Over the years, I have heard women, on the internet and in-person, say things like:

“I wanted to break up with him, but he refused.”
Or:
“I didn’t want to continue anymore, but I just let it go.”
Or:
“I know this thing is stressing me, but let me just manage it.”

And every single time, my brain pauses for a second. Because what do you mean he refused? Like, he is not going to “allow” you break up with him? Is there an invisible umbilical cord tying both of you together that would make that impossible? What exactly does it mean when someone says they won’t let you break up with them or take back something that clearly belongs to you?

Because let me tell you exactly what I would do in a situation like that. This is not advice. This is simply Yetunde operating at full capacity.

If I tell somebody I want to break up and the person says no, I will first look at my phone that’s the channel that received that message, lock it, unlock it, and check if the message was truly sent to me.

Because what exactly do you mean by no? You cannot hold me hostage in a relationship. If it comes with threats, emotional manipulation, or blackmail, my answer remains the same.

No.

As a full-fledged human that I am, once I have decided that I no longer want to participate in something, I have every right to remove myself from it. This is not just about relationships either.

I genuinely believe that anything I willingly gave access to, I can willingly take back. My time. My energy. My money. My emotional labour. My availability. My presence. My forgiveness. My access.

I can take it all back.

The other day, I was online and came across a video compilation of Zendaya. The comments were full of people saying, “We miss when Zendaya used to share things like this. We miss when Zendaya felt like our friend. We miss when she shared everything.”

I’ve seen people say the exact same thing about Beyoncé. People say they miss when they knew everything about her life and had all the tea. And that’s another example of someone withdrawing access.

These are women who used to share before. They simply reached a point where they decided, “I no longer want to give the public unrestricted access to this part of my life.” It is not always about becoming private, mysterious, or low-key. I’m very sure there are still people close to them who know exactly what’s going on in their lives. They didn’t stop sharing altogether. They just became more intentional about who gets access.

And that’s the point I’m driving at.

Somewhere along the way, very early in our journey into adulthood and womanhood, we were conditioned to believe that endurance is our greatest virtue.

You grow up hearing phrases like, “Manage it. Be patient. Stay. Be understanding. Don’t be selfish. Give it another chance. Think about other people.” And of course, our parents generation’s favourite, “What will people say?”

Before you know it, your entire life becomes a series of negotiations against yourself. You are shrinking yourself to fit situations you have already mentally left. You are staying in rooms that no longer deserve your presence. You are carrying things you dropped emotionally months ago. You are exhausting yourself because somebody convinced you that leaving makes you a bad person.

It doesn’t.

There are some things you do not need to endure, or explain, you just simply need to withdraw from them. Sometimes it is simply saying: I’m not doing this anymore. And then not doing it anymore.

No committee meeting. No six months explanation. No ten business days notice. Just an ordinary human being exercising her right to remove herself from something she no longer wants. 🤷‍♀️

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And because so many of us were never taught this, I sat down and put together a list of things I think women are allowed to withdraw from:

1. You can withdraw access: There are people who have your number, know your address, can reach you at any hour, and walk into your space without much friction; not because you made a grand decision to let them in, but because it just happened gradually over time. But the moment something shifts, or they do something that makes you uncomfortable or crosses a line - you are allowed to quietly close the door. You do not even have to explain, just put the measures in place, and take back their access to you. 🚫

2. You can withdraw consent: You can change your mind. At any point. For any reason. Even if you said yes before. Even if it was an informed decision you made with a clear head. Even if nothing bad happened and things were fine and you simply just do not want to anymore. Consent is not a contract with no exit clause - it is a concept that belongs entirely to you and can be taken back the moment you decide to take it back. No justification required. No proof of harm needed. “I don’t want to anymore” is a complete sentence.

3. You can withdraw information: Not every question deserves an answer just because someone asked it. There is a difference between someone genuinely trying to know you and someone probing for information they have no real right to. You are allowed to sense that difference and act accordingly. You do not owe anyone the details of your life, your finances, your plans, your past, or your present. And if a white lie is what keeps your peace intact in a moment where the truth would only be weaponized, that is a tool you are allowed to use.

4. You can withdraw closeness: You were best friends. You were inseparable. You told each other everything. And then something happened or maybe just a slow accumulation of moments that changed how safe you felt with that person. And now you do not want to be best friends anymore; you are allowed to demote the relationship without it being a war. That person can go from best friend to friend. From friend to acquaintance. From acquaintance to someone you simply nod at when your paths cross. You are not obligated to maintain any relationship at the level it once was.

5. You can withdraw permission: Maybe you gave someone the go-ahead to do something, or use a thing of yours. Or maybe it was something you said was okay in a specific moment. And now it is not okay anymore. You are allowed to go back and say - actually, I need you to stop. I know I said yes before, but I am saying something different now. The permission you gave them then does not have to be the permission they operate on forever. People who respect you will stop. People who don’t will reveal themselves. Either way you’re allowed to revoke permission.

6. You can withdraw your time: You used to make yourself available. You picked up the phone every time. You showed up when called. You rearranged your schedule around other people’s needs so consistently that it became an expectation - theirs and almost yours. You are allowed to stop being that available; your time is one of the most valuable things you own and you do not have to keep giving it to situations and people that treat it as a given. Protect your calendar the way you protect your money. Not everything gets access.

7. You can withdraw your labor: As a woman, it’s very important to recognize when to say, “No, I’m not doing that, let someone else do it.” The mental labor of being the one who remembers everything, plans everything, and holds everything together. The domestic labor that somehow always lands on you. The invisible work you do constantly that nobody sees until you stop doing it. You are allowed to put it down. You are allowed to let something drop and see who picks it up. You are allowed to stop being the person who makes everything work at the expense of your own rest and sanity.

8. You withdraw your vulnerability: You need to be okay with people saying, “you don’t tell me things or share things with me like before.” Yes, you don’t. Case closed. You opened up, shared heartfelt things - and somewhere along the way, that vulnerability was mishandled. Used against you, dismissed, or simply not held with the care it deserved. You are allowed to close that part back up with that person. You do not have to keep being open with someone who has shown you they do not know what to do with your openness.

9. You can withdraw your tolerance: There are things you have been tolerating; behaviors, dynamics, patterns, comments - that you should never have had to normalize in the first place. Maybe you tolerated them because you were younger and did not know better. Or because you were tired of fighting. Or because leaving felt harder than staying. But your tolerance was never an endorsement. And withdrawing it now, at whatever point you are at, is not too late. You are allowed to decide that what you have been putting up with is no longer something you are willing to put up with. Full stop.

10. You can withdraw your presence: From rooms that do not value you. From conversations that consistently leave you feeling smaller. From tables where your seat is technically there but your voice is never really heard. You are allowed to get up and go. Quietly, without making it a scene, without needing anyone to understand why. Your presence is not a charity, and rooms that deserve it will feel it when it arrives. The ones that never valued it will only notice it when it is gone.

To Conclude:

As a woman, it should be in your understanding that you came into this world with things that belong entirely to you; your access, your time, your energy, your softness, your presence, your consent - and that you have the full right to decide who gets them, for how long, and under what conditions.

Access to you is not permanent. Your presence is not a lifetime subscription. Your endurance is not a measure of your goodness. Nobody gave those things to you, they were yours from the beginning. Which means nobody can tell you when to take them back.

Always remember: if you gave it, you are allowed to withdraw it.